Comfortably Numb ...

It's too dark in here.
Sometimes I look around and see all of this black
and it makes me wonder who I'm really trying to be.
That,
or who I really am.
Maybe I do thrive in the darkness...

Feeling my way through life lately. Trying to get a better understanding of what it is that I need in order to be happy, successful, and to continue growing. Trying to organize, gather, and compile the necessary components to a well-rounded existence.

But I don't know where to start.

Everyone asks how I'm coping out here these days. To even the simplest, "how are you?" my answer is always the same. "I'm okay." I don't even know what that means. It's not quite a matter of contentment - I know this because I don't have everything I want, let alone the things I'd like to have, at my disposal or even within my reach. It's not a despondent, nonchalant response devoid of any feeling whatsoever, either. And to tell the truth, it's not even quite an "I'm alright," because I don't know if I am. So if I'm not happy, "great," or "good," and I have no reason or desire to describe myself as doing "bad" ... if I'm not upset, angry, frustrated, anxious, or otherwise emotive, then what the hell am I?

Comfortably numb.

It's a strange space to occupy: devoid of parameters or barriers to contain the sentiment; quietly somehow satisfactory. It's the lovechild of monotony and languor; stepson to loneliness. "Every day is exactly the same." I pace. I wander. I think. I have fits of stir craziness. Sleep is no longer a haven - it only comes to separate the days, and sometimes it's even forsaken as the days run together on their own. I've seen this place before, or at least some iteration of it.

I didn't like it then and I don't think I like it now.

This is a strange and strangely extended transitional period that I've been involved in, and I can't say that I'm not ready to see the other side. I don't love uncertainty, but I sure do know how to find my way to the center of it.

So every night I silently pray for the next day to snap me out of this funk. I don't like this game of mental dress-up where I'm forced to parade around as someone I'm not - even if I'm the only one who sees the farce. I want to get back to feeling like myself 24 hours a day and not just when the sun is up. I don't want to fight with my emotions anymore, not understanding why I can oscillate between happiness, contentment, sadness, numbness, and depression seemingly at [someone's] will (because it sure isn't my own choice).

"I feel safe in the darkness..."

There's something about the stillness of the night that brings me back here every time. It's something I just don't think I'll ever understand.