São Paolo Nights ...

Write or sleep. The struggle continues.

It's hard for me to separate the things I hand-write every day from the things I want to post on here. When I was younger ("younger"), my online blog was my sanctuary. I housed everything there. Here, I've decided to be a little more cautious ... if only a little.

I was doing well writing once a day like I hoped for, but I did fall off at some point last week. It's still cathartic, though, and I still do try to keep my journal with me. Plus, I'm almost finished reading the companion book to my little project. It's taken longer than expected ... I know that if I sat down, I could knock out all 420 pages ... mostly because of being back in school. I'm 3/4 through, though, so it should be done by the weekend.

By the way, I'm aware that your President's Black (and your Lambo's blue [rims are, too]) ... believe it or not, my President's Black, too. Dig that! Now, can we please come up with another song/slogan? Please? Pretty please?

Anyway, look for me this weekend. I should have some (plenty?) of time to myself so that I can write and reflect on some questions that I've been asking myself (like, 'where has all of my creative energy gone?' and 'what the hell is REALLY wrong with me?'). I also plan on finishing my bar application this weekend, and continuing this streak of positivity and excitement regarding my future that I've had recently. No more pessimism and/or fear. Too much greatness to come. Serenity, clarity, sanity, calm.

More to come...

Roll On ...

Gotta love a good D-centric video. It's given me the chills ever since I saw it premiere a few months ago.

Makes me homesick every time.

Sleep To Dream ...

Hypnophobia - an abnormal fear of falling asleep.

I've always been the one who never wanted to miss anything. Not that I wanted to be in the center of it all, but I never wanted things to pass me by. I always wanted to be awake, aware, reachable, available just in case. When I was a kid, I refused to fall asleep on long car rides; I'd always stare out the window just in case I missed something cool going by. Now I'm 24, a far cry from that preschooler. My phone stays on 24/7. My ringer is always on at night just in case someone needs me. Just in case something happens. If you need me, if you want me... I'm always here.

But for the last few days, extending into last week, I've been afraid to go to sleep. I used "afraid" because I've yet to come up with a better term. I don't want to sleep. I want to fight it. I'm not scared of my dreams, or am I? ... I'm scared of tomorrow, and I don't know why. The next day ... not scared that I won't make it, but scared that I will. My friend told me it's an ill-fated attempt to preserve time, to not waste it on sleep.

A losing battle.

But I try anyway. I'd rather be reading, or writing, or talking, or with someone. Anything but sleeping. My mind keeps moving until it naturally shuts off. I haven't even been noticing myself fall asleep... I just inevitably lose the fight. What am I thinking about? Why won't I sleep?

What am I scared of?

Primal Scream ...

"If you wanna live life on your own terms
gotta be willing to crash and burn..."
- Motley Crue, Primal Scream

True. Fitting. Gotta be willing to take risks in order to get to where you want to be... where you can make the rules instead of being forced to fit someone else' mold. I'll include another quote to back it up:

"If you are dissatisfied with yourself in the scheme of things and the altar has not changed conditions, perhaps you should consider the alter. After all if anything changes, it will be through the word alter/alteration/alternative because how can you dare speak of change if you do not have an alternative?"
- Sun Ra

Felt good today. Positive, motivated; I do well when that happens. We'll see if it continues tomorrow.

More Human Than Human...

New goal:
I am going to write something every day, at least on paper. I have demons, some of which I've never met. I want to give them a chance to introduce themselves. There is no more "try," or longing "want." I will do. I started today. I'm eager to continue.

New inspiration:

Nikki Sixx, "The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star"

I've been wanting this book for a while. I bought it today (it was previously only available in hardcover, but the paperback version dropped around Christmas). I started it tonight. I wrote as I read. If it hadn't gotten so cold outside, I'd still be reading. I might go out later and continue. Written by/from the diaries of Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx. I have a thing about getting into peoples' minds .. especially those with some sort of psychosis - natural or self-induced. Maybe because I have my own, and I want to see how others feel/cope/deal. Maybe.

Waxpoetics Magazine

Just grabbed issue #32 with Sly Stone on the cover. Inspirational in and of itself, but of a different sort. I'll be reading it soon.

My pen and notebook will be with me every day. I will do this. A chronicle.

Coming soon.

Sound of the City...

Crazy emotional article by famous Detroit sportswriter Mitch Albom about my city. Ridiculously emotional, actually. It brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly how he felt as he wrote it. Some things were just so clear to me...

And maybe you ask why? Maybe you ask, as I get asked all the time, "Why do you stay there? Why don't you leave?"

Maybe because we like it here. Maybe because this is what we know: snow and concrete underfoot, hardhats, soul music, lakes, hockey sticks. Maybe because we don't see just the burned-out houses; we also see the Fox Theater, the Detroit Institute of Arts, the Whitney restaurant, the riverfront that looks out to Canada. Maybe because we still have seniors who call the auto giant "Ford's", like a shop that's owned by a real human being. Maybe because some of us subscribe to Pastor Covington's words, "We are somebody because God loves us," no matter how cold the night or hard the mattress.

Maybe because when our kids finish college and take that first job in some sexy faraway city and a year later we see them back home and we ask what happened, they say, "I missed my friends and family." And we nod and say we understand.

If you have the time, read the whole thing. It sheds a lot of light on how we Detroiters see ourselves, despite how the rest of the country continually dogs us and treats us as if we're not worth much of anything. I love it.

Thanks, Mitch.

Click here to read 'The Courage of Detroit'.

An Eye Is Upon You ...

I don't do year-end wrap-ups. I attribute part of that to the fact that I have developed a pretty bad memory. Many people can look at where they were on January 1, 2008 and say, "Damn, I've come so far and changed so much." Me, I can't even remember how I spent New Years '08 [it was in Michigan ... either at home, with my mom, or somewhere else with my ex. I'm leaning toward mom's, because I remember watching Robbie Maddison's world record jump from home]. Don't get me to lying about what I "resolved to do" in 2008 that would change me or make me so different from who or what I was in 2007. I have no clue what it was. I don't even know if it worked.

All I know is that in 2008 I lost a girlfriend - long distance - to a tough relationship, a cousin - in prison - to an infected bullet wound, and another part of my mind - a significant chunk - to law school. If that's all I can care to remember, then so be it.

So what does 2009 bring? A lot, and not just because I sat up on New Year's Eve and made myself believe it. I graduate law school in May and begin preparing for the bar immediately after. In July, I take the exam. Soon thereafter, or shortly before, I'm moving almost blindly ... again ... to start fresh in a new city and new state. I'll be going in on the purchase of a new place to live - no more renting. I'll have a new car [as my baby is slowly dying], a new job, and new experiences to be had. And all of this will happen before I turn 25 in September. Who knows what happens after that. So by design, 2009 is about to have ridiculous implications on the rest of my life; it's its own new beginning, whether I like it or not.

I celebrated the New Year alone, for the first time ever. My options were limited: a lack of funds coupled with a gimpy vehicle and a handful of "friends" close by can force such a happening. But I wasn't hurt by that. I watched The Wrestler [I was right: amazing movie]. I toasted myself with a couple of German imports, watched Rhys Millen and Robbie Maddison's New Year's feats on ESPN, saw the ball drop, listened to the fireworks in the parking lot, and eventually went to sleep. Business as usual. No need to be out, no need to be drunk attempting to forget the night or the day or the year that passed. My celebration was internal, and I think it was for good reason.

2009 is about me in a lot of ways. I'm the one who's going to be at the mercy of ... or, conversely, at the wheel of ... all of those changes that are to come. I'm the one who's going to have to deal with the complications - or windfalls - that come at their behest. I'm the one who's got to see and be me at the end of the day.

I'm the one who has to ensure my own happiness.

So maybe bringing in '09 alone was a harbinger of things to come: relying on others less; being more comfortable with myself. Confidence. Clarity. More of what I want, less of what others demand. I've come a long way, even if I can't remember exactly where I started. But whether you start from the pole or the back row, the goal is to finish at the top of the podium. In the coming days, more and more people will be throwing lame slogans out about this new year, and more folks will be tossing out resolutions and goals that have grown stale from years of inaction ["change occurs when it is too painful to stay the same"]. But what happens when "new" stares you in the face, whether you like it or not? What do you do when you don't have the chance to turn down life as it comes, but rather are forced to adapt or be left behind? What happens when you can no longer hide?

2009 belongs to me. Not because I say so, but because life has led me here. I have to be ready for the challenge. I've been ahead of the curve for so long. If I miss now, I'll be quick to get left behind. This is my genesis. My chance to start anew, thanks to circumstance.

Ready?

Go.