An Eye Is Upon You ...

I don't do year-end wrap-ups. I attribute part of that to the fact that I have developed a pretty bad memory. Many people can look at where they were on January 1, 2008 and say, "Damn, I've come so far and changed so much." Me, I can't even remember how I spent New Years '08 [it was in Michigan ... either at home, with my mom, or somewhere else with my ex. I'm leaning toward mom's, because I remember watching Robbie Maddison's world record jump from home]. Don't get me to lying about what I "resolved to do" in 2008 that would change me or make me so different from who or what I was in 2007. I have no clue what it was. I don't even know if it worked.

All I know is that in 2008 I lost a girlfriend - long distance - to a tough relationship, a cousin - in prison - to an infected bullet wound, and another part of my mind - a significant chunk - to law school. If that's all I can care to remember, then so be it.

So what does 2009 bring? A lot, and not just because I sat up on New Year's Eve and made myself believe it. I graduate law school in May and begin preparing for the bar immediately after. In July, I take the exam. Soon thereafter, or shortly before, I'm moving almost blindly ... again ... to start fresh in a new city and new state. I'll be going in on the purchase of a new place to live - no more renting. I'll have a new car [as my baby is slowly dying], a new job, and new experiences to be had. And all of this will happen before I turn 25 in September. Who knows what happens after that. So by design, 2009 is about to have ridiculous implications on the rest of my life; it's its own new beginning, whether I like it or not.

I celebrated the New Year alone, for the first time ever. My options were limited: a lack of funds coupled with a gimpy vehicle and a handful of "friends" close by can force such a happening. But I wasn't hurt by that. I watched The Wrestler [I was right: amazing movie]. I toasted myself with a couple of German imports, watched Rhys Millen and Robbie Maddison's New Year's feats on ESPN, saw the ball drop, listened to the fireworks in the parking lot, and eventually went to sleep. Business as usual. No need to be out, no need to be drunk attempting to forget the night or the day or the year that passed. My celebration was internal, and I think it was for good reason.

2009 is about me in a lot of ways. I'm the one who's going to be at the mercy of ... or, conversely, at the wheel of ... all of those changes that are to come. I'm the one who's going to have to deal with the complications - or windfalls - that come at their behest. I'm the one who's got to see and be me at the end of the day.

I'm the one who has to ensure my own happiness.

So maybe bringing in '09 alone was a harbinger of things to come: relying on others less; being more comfortable with myself. Confidence. Clarity. More of what I want, less of what others demand. I've come a long way, even if I can't remember exactly where I started. But whether you start from the pole or the back row, the goal is to finish at the top of the podium. In the coming days, more and more people will be throwing lame slogans out about this new year, and more folks will be tossing out resolutions and goals that have grown stale from years of inaction ["change occurs when it is too painful to stay the same"]. But what happens when "new" stares you in the face, whether you like it or not? What do you do when you don't have the chance to turn down life as it comes, but rather are forced to adapt or be left behind? What happens when you can no longer hide?

2009 belongs to me. Not because I say so, but because life has led me here. I have to be ready for the challenge. I've been ahead of the curve for so long. If I miss now, I'll be quick to get left behind. This is my genesis. My chance to start anew, thanks to circumstance.

Ready?

Go.