I could hardly get my thoughts organized before she punctuated her question with her own answer: "none."
And she was right.
I had no right to be there; no right to occupy her vision or share in her rarified air. It was left for me to cross the boulevard of broken dreams that lay before me, gathering the bits and pieces of face, faith, and fate strewn along the way. So for hours that day, I was discussed and she was disgusted.
All I wanted was to disappear.
The feeling of disassociation isn't new to me. More than once in my life I've wanted to disintegrate and blow away like dust in the wind; to sink into a crack in the sidewalk or a wrinkle in time and not exist. Be gone, be nothing. Not some existentialist's wet dream where I simply remove consciousness from body and watch my life like some bad B-movie. I mean literal nonexistence. Cessation. The act of being discontinued.
And now she makes me want to feel this way again.
Her words become a blur, masked by tears and augmented with choice thoughts unfit for public consumption. I'm numb to her attempts. Mind constantly racing - a byproduct of mechanically trying to stay one lie ahead of what lies ahead. Soon I will see there is nothing to race against; no race to be won. That what prize their may have been is not worth the price paid to achieve it. That she was right; and here I stand corrected.
I will see all of that as soon as she stops fucking crying. Damn.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Shimmer ...
She left in a huff.
She always does. A whirling mist of costume jewelry, cotton blends, and Chanel No. 5 - her favored scent. It's never easy to see her go; to let her back into the world. And regardless of the context, I'm always left sprawled diagonally across the full-sized bed in a tangle of sheets and yesterday. Sometimes face down, sometimes in a haze, but always left to my own devices.
It plays in reverse in my mind. She, collecting herself on the chaise lounge in the corner of the room, hurriedly dragging what is always her last cigarette; tapping her toe double-time to the measure of the popping vinyl that signals the end of Coltrane's A Love Supreme. Minutes before, she reintroduced her slender frame to the lace-laden red panties she gleefully showed off hours prior, and her lingerie was swallowed by the simple sundress she arrived in (though I much preferred it in a pool at the foot of the bed).
She knew my tastes.
Life never fully comes into focus the moment she closes the door. For some, you would imagine reality to rather quickly resume: a stretch; the slow walk to the mirror; the smug grin of self satisfaction that somehow can never be washed clean. But for me, I always remain in limbo for just a second longer, toeing the line between what is and what was. Perhaps selfishly waiting for footsteps to resume in the hall, thrusting her back into my presence. More likely, knowing that she forever appears and disappears in the same breath, and that catching her is akin to trapping lightning in a bottle.
Her power over me is real. I can accomplish little without her, and with her she is my only joy. She reigns over my movements despotically, tyranically. I obey slavishly. At her mercy, I am. And it is as a result of her that I lie as I do, somewhere in between life and lost, wondering if I'd rather have her back or have another drink. I love my captor. Even in her absence, she knows I would never leave.
But all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade.
She always does. A whirling mist of costume jewelry, cotton blends, and Chanel No. 5 - her favored scent. It's never easy to see her go; to let her back into the world. And regardless of the context, I'm always left sprawled diagonally across the full-sized bed in a tangle of sheets and yesterday. Sometimes face down, sometimes in a haze, but always left to my own devices.
It plays in reverse in my mind. She, collecting herself on the chaise lounge in the corner of the room, hurriedly dragging what is always her last cigarette; tapping her toe double-time to the measure of the popping vinyl that signals the end of Coltrane's A Love Supreme. Minutes before, she reintroduced her slender frame to the lace-laden red panties she gleefully showed off hours prior, and her lingerie was swallowed by the simple sundress she arrived in (though I much preferred it in a pool at the foot of the bed).
She knew my tastes.
Life never fully comes into focus the moment she closes the door. For some, you would imagine reality to rather quickly resume: a stretch; the slow walk to the mirror; the smug grin of self satisfaction that somehow can never be washed clean. But for me, I always remain in limbo for just a second longer, toeing the line between what is and what was. Perhaps selfishly waiting for footsteps to resume in the hall, thrusting her back into my presence. More likely, knowing that she forever appears and disappears in the same breath, and that catching her is akin to trapping lightning in a bottle.
Her power over me is real. I can accomplish little without her, and with her she is my only joy. She reigns over my movements despotically, tyranically. I obey slavishly. At her mercy, I am. And it is as a result of her that I lie as I do, somewhere in between life and lost, wondering if I'd rather have her back or have another drink. I love my captor. Even in her absence, she knows I would never leave.
But all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Standing in the Shower ... Thinking ...
Standing in the shower thinking
About what makes a man
An outlaw or a leader
I'm thinking about power...
The ways a man could use it
Or be destroyed by it
The water hits my neck
And I'm pissing on myself...
- Jane's Addiction
So it was brought to my attention just how long I've been away from this place. I suppose life intervened and my muse went flying. But as recently as yesterday, she may have returned. Thanks to the wonder that is the film Finding Forrester, I was reminded of just how much I enjoy writing ... how cathartic, expressive, useful, necessary it is in my life.
Plus it beats the hell out of waiting for a phone to wring/a new email to arrive/a blade of grass to grow/paint to dry, etc.
So maybe I'll be serious this time. Maybe I won't be distracted by the shiny things you see in this online world; maybe I will write. Who knows what, and who knows why, but damned if I don't at least try...
About what makes a man
An outlaw or a leader
I'm thinking about power...
The ways a man could use it
Or be destroyed by it
The water hits my neck
And I'm pissing on myself...
- Jane's Addiction
So it was brought to my attention just how long I've been away from this place. I suppose life intervened and my muse went flying. But as recently as yesterday, she may have returned. Thanks to the wonder that is the film Finding Forrester, I was reminded of just how much I enjoy writing ... how cathartic, expressive, useful, necessary it is in my life.
Plus it beats the hell out of waiting for a phone to wring/a new email to arrive/a blade of grass to grow/paint to dry, etc.
So maybe I'll be serious this time. Maybe I won't be distracted by the shiny things you see in this online world; maybe I will write. Who knows what, and who knows why, but damned if I don't at least try...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Hole In The Bucket ...
I swear, my attention span is so short that these seem to be all I can write ...
--
nothing is sacred
all men have an untold price
how much for your soul?
--
nothing is sacred
all men have an untold price
how much for your soul?
* * *
it took but three days
my head before my heels
easily i fall
* * *
crucify my heart
leave nothing beyond here
this is the moment
* * *
seven months sober
every drop feels like zen
thirsty is the devil
* * *
never will you know
trees and breeze and lightning bugs
i made them for you
* * *
dramatics aside
lift the veil from your brown eyes
see life is better
* * *
i lost everything
life is better with your smile
i got it all back
* * *
looking for answers
forgot i wrote the damn book
take your own advice
* * *
we oft collide like
two neutron stars in black holes
end civility
* * *
the sky has fallen
two bodies less heavenly
erupting massive
* * *
translucent heavy
i envy your sense of me
destroy thoughts of we
* * *
you only want change
a chance to be another
i only want you
* * *
i wish i knew you
to be the voice in your ear
and call you perfect
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Hardest Button to Button ...
"Skepticism is the beginning of Faith." - Oscar Wilde
First of all, I sincerely want to thank everyone who stumbled upon my post on 'Faith' and left a comment. You have no idea what it means to me to have complete strangers leave me such inspiring words. That's actually the reason I began to blog in the first place so many years ago: I wanted to be able to leave unfiltered thoughts in the air in hopes that someone would respond, not through judgment, but with understanding. So amazing; so many thanks.
It's only fitting that I am still getting comments on that post as we round out week one of the Lenten season. Lent sneaks up on me every year. It's never until Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras) that I realize Ash Wednesday is the following day and I need to determine what to sacrifice for the weeks leading up to Easter. Some years it's something relatively trite, either out of pure laziness or out of perceived need: cursing, X type of food, etc. This year, however, I gave it some thought (albeit the night before) and came up with something conceptual rather than purely deprivation-related:
No excuses.
For Lent, I gave up (or, rather, am attempting to give up) making excuses - for my conduct, for my actions, for my inaction, for my thoughts, and for everything else I could think of. For me, that means not sitting back out of frustration and letting things happen around me. It means staying focused, staying proactive, and continually trying to make something happen - without using the excuse of "it's too hard," or "it's just not meant to be right now."
In the last week, I've truly challenged myself...most notably, physically. I happen to live with people who are relatively athletic (or once were) and who five weeks ago began a workout regimen. Well, not just any one...they started P90X. Yeah, THAT P90X, from the informercials. I continually made excuses and a general lack of effort to join my roommates in their quest ... usually citing laziness or general unwillingness. So as I stood in the shower on the morning of Ash Wednesday, I determined I would be sure to extend "No excuses" to every corner of my life - including physical activity. The next day I began a similar program to that of my roommates (same workouts, different schedule for different results) and have stuck with it every day since. This is a big deal for me, no matter how trivial it may seem to some. It has taken a great deal of discipline and resolve for me to fight my body into doing these exercises on a daily basis. But, in all truth, at 25 years old I was (am) tired of my body being the way that it is, and I know that it will be far easier for me to make a change now than 5, 10, 15 years down the line.
The Lenten season is not all about deprivation. It's not about denying yourself for the simple sake of denial. It's about growth: growing in yourself, growing in your faith. Growing in the belief that (cliche' alert) "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." It's about calling on that inner strength and faith to tell yourself that you will not give into the temptation to quit, thereby stunting any progress you're making. It tests you to call on your faith to make it through you perceived "darkest hour(s)".
I'm realizing I make a million excuses a day, and it's an eye-opener to see the things I simply refuse to do out of habitually telling myself "I can't" or "I won't." This has to change. I will never, ever get these days of my life back. This is it.
"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen:
First of all, I sincerely want to thank everyone who stumbled upon my post on 'Faith' and left a comment. You have no idea what it means to me to have complete strangers leave me such inspiring words. That's actually the reason I began to blog in the first place so many years ago: I wanted to be able to leave unfiltered thoughts in the air in hopes that someone would respond, not through judgment, but with understanding. So amazing; so many thanks.
It's only fitting that I am still getting comments on that post as we round out week one of the Lenten season. Lent sneaks up on me every year. It's never until Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras) that I realize Ash Wednesday is the following day and I need to determine what to sacrifice for the weeks leading up to Easter. Some years it's something relatively trite, either out of pure laziness or out of perceived need: cursing, X type of food, etc. This year, however, I gave it some thought (albeit the night before) and came up with something conceptual rather than purely deprivation-related:
No excuses.
For Lent, I gave up (or, rather, am attempting to give up) making excuses - for my conduct, for my actions, for my inaction, for my thoughts, and for everything else I could think of. For me, that means not sitting back out of frustration and letting things happen around me. It means staying focused, staying proactive, and continually trying to make something happen - without using the excuse of "it's too hard," or "it's just not meant to be right now."
In the last week, I've truly challenged myself...most notably, physically. I happen to live with people who are relatively athletic (or once were) and who five weeks ago began a workout regimen. Well, not just any one...they started P90X. Yeah, THAT P90X, from the informercials. I continually made excuses and a general lack of effort to join my roommates in their quest ... usually citing laziness or general unwillingness. So as I stood in the shower on the morning of Ash Wednesday, I determined I would be sure to extend "No excuses" to every corner of my life - including physical activity. The next day I began a similar program to that of my roommates (same workouts, different schedule for different results) and have stuck with it every day since. This is a big deal for me, no matter how trivial it may seem to some. It has taken a great deal of discipline and resolve for me to fight my body into doing these exercises on a daily basis. But, in all truth, at 25 years old I was (am) tired of my body being the way that it is, and I know that it will be far easier for me to make a change now than 5, 10, 15 years down the line.
The Lenten season is not all about deprivation. It's not about denying yourself for the simple sake of denial. It's about growth: growing in yourself, growing in your faith. Growing in the belief that (cliche' alert) "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." It's about calling on that inner strength and faith to tell yourself that you will not give into the temptation to quit, thereby stunting any progress you're making. It tests you to call on your faith to make it through you perceived "darkest hour(s)".
I'm realizing I make a million excuses a day, and it's an eye-opener to see the things I simply refuse to do out of habitually telling myself "I can't" or "I won't." This has to change. I will never, ever get these days of my life back. This is it.
"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught how to fly" - Patrick Overton
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Faith ...
It almost never fails: tell someone that you're going through something, or that you're in a rut, or that you're having a tough time seeing things change in your life, and their send-off advice will be some form of, "pray on it," or, "I'll be praying for you." Sometimes people say it because it sounds like the right thing to do, and other times people say it because they honestly believe that prayer is the catalyst for seeing an immediate change in your circumstance.
My girlfriend is amazing. She's a dear friend, and a true inspiration - especially when it comes to my spiritual life. She's growing/has grown in her faith-walk by admitted leaps and bounds in the last 18 months alone, and in the year that I've known her I've been party to some of these strides. Her walk has driven her to catalyze my own walk, especially given my unfortunate financial and work situations...and as such, she is the most recent person to strongly push faith and prayer as means to an end.
To clarify, though: she (and others) aren't of the belief that praying for money will result in a stack of 100's being mysteriously left at my front door. But the thought that prayer can put my whole spirit in a different place, thus opening me to different experiences and motivating me to pursue various channels and avenues, more aptly describes the sentiment. You know the how the saying goes ... "P.ray U.ntil S.omething H.appens".
Anyway, my own feelings toward my own spirituality coupled with people's constant and consistent urgings that I use faith as my guide during these rough times have really raised questions in me. I was raised Catholic, but throughout my upbringing religion was a Sunday profession. Rather than prosthelytize and act as a missionary, though, I was always taught the value of the hallmark expression of my/our faith was good works ("You see that a person is justified by what he does and not just faith alone." - James 2:24. Please do not think this is me trying to engage in a battle of the Word. I am not a Bible scholar. I just know/semi-remember certain passages that have shaped my identity.). I took that to heart. At my Jesuit high school, our motto was simple: "Men for Others for the Greater Glory of God." Service, action, and activity trump(ed) simply speaking the Word toward inaction. I say all of that to say in my past, everything has been based off of my actions. I never studied the Word on its own, but I did take the lessons I heard and understood and translated them into action.
I've never read the Word for personal gain.
Like so many other people, I have prayed and asked for things to happen. I've asked for results, asked for changes, and asked for signs of presence. Understanding that God doesn't work on our schedule has made it even easier for me to eschew the typical, "God, can you make this happen for me right quick?" prayer in exchange for "Help me to see/follow/act/understand." But things are different now. At the urging of everyone who knows I'm struggling, and those who are close to and love me, the call has been for me to begin to pray and utilize the Word for my own benefit (note: not gain, but benefit...wholly different concept. Tease that out for yourself if you have to.). It's tough. It's so hard.
Talk about a test of faith.
Ever seen someone with all of the potential in the world, but who just refuses to put it to good use? I feel for my girlfriend, because I think that's how she sees me and my faith from time to time (and I can extend that to God's feelings about me, since I sincerely do look at her as an angel who's meant to help me make these important self-discoveries). She's been my biggest spiritual cheerleader, sending me daily devotionals and continually probing me to actively seek the Word. While my parents both sneak "stay prayerful" into our conversations, my girlfriend - even though she openly fears sounding like a broken record - keeps pushing the issue with me. She sees things in me that paralleled her own situations, and she honestly believes that. The test for me is to do something differently than before: to simply do for my own growth rather than others.
But there are signs of my spiritual growth. I used to be quick to dismiss the Word, mostly because I was deep in the belief that prayer for self - especially for material gain - was wrong. I felt that if that's the only reason people were reading the Bible or going to church was to get something out of it, then their own path to salvation was tenuous to say the least. While people were so busy faking it in the sanctuary, I was out there doing the work and internalizing my faith. I know my reward will be great because I give so much of myself to other people and their endeavors. The time I spent in church was for me to internalize the message and recharge myself to do work for others' benefit.
I can see my growth, though. I'm much more inclined to consider using the Word to help balance my life and give myself some sort of greater girding. The more consideration I give it, the more I begin to turn inward when necessary and work on myself - and my mental stability - in order to think my way toward something greater. The first step is always an internal belief; a change you make within yourself to adjust your orientation. At the behest of others, and at the urging of those who love me the most, I am trying.
I'm trying to have faith, the definition of which is always changing. It's a beautiful thing, and a difficult thing to accomplish. Everyone knows, and I'm still learning this. Faith is what defines the line between happenstance and prophecy. While I believe there is a reason and order to everything, and that nothing happens on its own for no reason, I am struggling to understand my role in advancing the blessings...
Blind faith is what our whole religious philosophy is based on, and yet it never fails to give people just enough hope. The question is what will it take for me to become one of those individuals.
My girlfriend is amazing. She's a dear friend, and a true inspiration - especially when it comes to my spiritual life. She's growing/has grown in her faith-walk by admitted leaps and bounds in the last 18 months alone, and in the year that I've known her I've been party to some of these strides. Her walk has driven her to catalyze my own walk, especially given my unfortunate financial and work situations...and as such, she is the most recent person to strongly push faith and prayer as means to an end.
To clarify, though: she (and others) aren't of the belief that praying for money will result in a stack of 100's being mysteriously left at my front door. But the thought that prayer can put my whole spirit in a different place, thus opening me to different experiences and motivating me to pursue various channels and avenues, more aptly describes the sentiment. You know the how the saying goes ... "P.ray U.ntil S.omething H.appens".
Anyway, my own feelings toward my own spirituality coupled with people's constant and consistent urgings that I use faith as my guide during these rough times have really raised questions in me. I was raised Catholic, but throughout my upbringing religion was a Sunday profession. Rather than prosthelytize and act as a missionary, though, I was always taught the value of the hallmark expression of my/our faith was good works ("You see that a person is justified by what he does and not just faith alone." - James 2:24. Please do not think this is me trying to engage in a battle of the Word. I am not a Bible scholar. I just know/semi-remember certain passages that have shaped my identity.). I took that to heart. At my Jesuit high school, our motto was simple: "Men for Others for the Greater Glory of God." Service, action, and activity trump(ed) simply speaking the Word toward inaction. I say all of that to say in my past, everything has been based off of my actions. I never studied the Word on its own, but I did take the lessons I heard and understood and translated them into action.
I've never read the Word for personal gain.
Like so many other people, I have prayed and asked for things to happen. I've asked for results, asked for changes, and asked for signs of presence. Understanding that God doesn't work on our schedule has made it even easier for me to eschew the typical, "God, can you make this happen for me right quick?" prayer in exchange for "Help me to see/follow/act/understand." But things are different now. At the urging of everyone who knows I'm struggling, and those who are close to and love me, the call has been for me to begin to pray and utilize the Word for my own benefit (note: not gain, but benefit...wholly different concept. Tease that out for yourself if you have to.). It's tough. It's so hard.
Talk about a test of faith.
Ever seen someone with all of the potential in the world, but who just refuses to put it to good use? I feel for my girlfriend, because I think that's how she sees me and my faith from time to time (and I can extend that to God's feelings about me, since I sincerely do look at her as an angel who's meant to help me make these important self-discoveries). She's been my biggest spiritual cheerleader, sending me daily devotionals and continually probing me to actively seek the Word. While my parents both sneak "stay prayerful" into our conversations, my girlfriend - even though she openly fears sounding like a broken record - keeps pushing the issue with me. She sees things in me that paralleled her own situations, and she honestly believes that. The test for me is to do something differently than before: to simply do for my own growth rather than others.
But there are signs of my spiritual growth. I used to be quick to dismiss the Word, mostly because I was deep in the belief that prayer for self - especially for material gain - was wrong. I felt that if that's the only reason people were reading the Bible or going to church was to get something out of it, then their own path to salvation was tenuous to say the least. While people were so busy faking it in the sanctuary, I was out there doing the work and internalizing my faith. I know my reward will be great because I give so much of myself to other people and their endeavors. The time I spent in church was for me to internalize the message and recharge myself to do work for others' benefit.
I can see my growth, though. I'm much more inclined to consider using the Word to help balance my life and give myself some sort of greater girding. The more consideration I give it, the more I begin to turn inward when necessary and work on myself - and my mental stability - in order to think my way toward something greater. The first step is always an internal belief; a change you make within yourself to adjust your orientation. At the behest of others, and at the urging of those who love me the most, I am trying.
I'm trying to have faith, the definition of which is always changing. It's a beautiful thing, and a difficult thing to accomplish. Everyone knows, and I'm still learning this. Faith is what defines the line between happenstance and prophecy. While I believe there is a reason and order to everything, and that nothing happens on its own for no reason, I am struggling to understand my role in advancing the blessings...
Blind faith is what our whole religious philosophy is based on, and yet it never fails to give people just enough hope. The question is what will it take for me to become one of those individuals.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dig A Hole/Slow Down ...
I was a Sociology major in college, and sometimes wish I had continued on the path to a graduate degree in the field. I wanted to be an academic and write something earth-shattering, ground-breaking, or at the very least palatable. As such, I occasionally still think in a sociological mindset as I look at what's going on around me...so consider this a brief glimpse of what's been on my mind.
There was once a time in the not-so-distant past (though eons ago, by today's standards) where the microwave oven and the McDonald's drive-thru were the hallmarks of our "instant" society: the very inventions that helped us get what we needed faster and more efficiently than before. But with yesterday's announcement that Ford will be including Twitter capabilities in its new Sync setup in upcoming vehicles, that simplistic paradigm of the past has all but collapsed on itself.
People often (read: all the time) complain that there just "aren't enough hours in the day" to achieve everything that must be done. There's commuting, working, cooking, cleaning, self-preparation and preservation, shuttling, shuffling, shoveling, commentating, officiating, working out, typing, reading, eating, sleeping, and occasionally building long-lasting relationships with other human beings. Resultantly, we (or someone/some entity who claims to have our best interests in mind) have continually found ways to "make life easier" by simplifying our most mundane daily tasks - which allows us more time to fit in even more duties or activities. The more we fit into our 24 hour days, the more we develop ways to condense the time spent on each activity...so as to fit even more in. The more megatropolis-minded among us would believe that Big Brother is somehow behind this, finding ways to streamline our lives in order to perform more, more efficiently. The All-Seeing Eye at work.
The cycle becomes apparent - and vicious - almost immediately. The more "things" we come up with to make our lives "easier;" the more "wonder products" that used to be relegated to late-night infomercials become mainstream devices; the more we continue to sync ALL of our technologies and social media into one "convenient" format or another, the more we will continue to lose hours of our day and aspects of ourselves. It's the last point that really has been stuck in my craw recently. As technology continues to develop (and envelop) around us, we are constantly losing those moments that used to keep us sane. Two-way pagers and Nextel's two-way 'chirp' changed the way we communicate instantly. Blackberries revolutionized how we stayed connected to email when away from our computers. Facebook effectively made "keep in touch" mean something - at least to college-aged individuals (at first). SMS messaging used to be a hassle (my high school cell phone had to connected to the mobile web to receive texts), yet is all but a necessary, "how did we live without it" function now. Apple showed us how to synchronize our music, information, media, and lives ... and then put all of that in one device that fits in our pockets in various sizes. Twitter has almost single-handedly killed (and simultaneously redefined) "investigative journalism." Don't have time to date? eHarmony and Match.com are here to save the day! Whereas interpersonal communication was once important, and was once linked to how we received information, it's slowly becoming obsolete - while the result of this compression has freed us up to do more things...more work, more commuting, more to complain about.
Think about it. Many commuters have once said that the time they spend going to and from work or school is the most peace they get in a day. Years ago, there were no cell phones (or even car phones, like the one I remember in my Dad's 1988 Audi) to distract drivers or shatter that peace. There was no need for a "Jupiter Jack," let alone for a built-in way for drivers to listen to office voice mails, have their email read to them, or check up on their friends' Tweets. Crackberries and iPhones (and their smartphone kin in this technological arms race) have become tethers - not only to the office, but to every individual with your phone number, email address, GMail address, Blackberry PIN, screen name, Twitter account, and who knows what else. They've become crutches, and the more we rely on them, the more we enable other people to monopolize our precious time. The more time we allow them to monopolize, the more "Big Brother"/big money is going to try to compress even further in order to enhance our productivity.
Anybody see the problem here?
The reason that there just don't seem to be "enough hours in the day" is because we have allowed that to happen. Our consumer culture and our need to keep up with the Joneses has pushed us to believe that every new breakthrough is something we just HAVE to have; something we NEED in our lives for sustenance. We all know in our heart of hearts that all of that is not the case. No one NEEDS to be connected to everything and everyone at all hours of the day. No one needs Ubertwitter or Echofon. No one needs Facebook mobile. No one needs porn on their Blackberry! We don't need audible email, voice recognition dialing, or games on our iPod any more than we need TVs in the headrests (or ceilings, or visors). But more time to stay entertained and connected at times when we should be engaging with self (or others!) means more time to work and less reliance on being entertained in those evening hours, which are better suited for lamenting our lives, preparing for the next day, or generally vegging out.
My fear is that we've already gone too far down this path, and the effects are now irreversible. We no longer do for self; we do for others to know what we've done (I say as I ironically plan on tweeting this blog .. follow me @kwarfield .. and feverishly monitor the comments, if any). It's time to change that. By refusing to buy into what is constantly shoved in our faces, we can begin to shift the existing paradigm. Right now, we want everything when we want it in order to account for the lack of time that we feel. We don't have time to waste waiting on webpages to load, so we want them faster ... from dial-up to DSL to cable to FiOS. We don't want to go to the mall, so we shop online. We don't want to go to the movies, so we use Netflix .. and bit torrents (but only if they're fast enough!). It's not enough to have something right when it comes out; we want it BEFORE it comes out, so we bootleg (not a new practice, but in terms of bootlegging media it sure is a hell of a lot easier nowadays). We want the news NOW, so we analyze celebrities and athletes and moguls and even news reporters' Twitter statuses, citing "sources" and substituting real news with unsubstantiated rumors .. updated up-to-the-minute. Immediacy is our downfall: it's the shovel with which we've dug our grave.
Stop. Go back now, before it's too late. The more we've allowed ourselves to be available, the more work our bosses have heaped upon us and the greater their expectations have become. Now everyone is trying to keep up with some imaginary ideal, continually chasing the ever-shifting bottom line. It's led to more midlife crises and pre-midlife burnouts than we've ever seen before...and it makes absolutely no sense when you step outside of it and look for yourself. Slow down! Reacquaint yourself with interpersonal communication! Work smarter, not harder! While it will be almost impossible to change expectations on an individual level, collectively we can help slow our society down and increase our personal qualities of life. Find your personal sanctuary where you cannot be pinged, IMed, called, texted, tweeted, poked, or chatted with. Don't see this as a drop in your productivity. Instead, call it your personal revolution...your strike out against the establishment...your attempt to get your life back.
I don't like where we're headed, and I refuse (or will do my damnedest to try not) to allow techno-society to drag me down with the ship. My quality of life is more important to me than how connected I am in the social networking technosphere. My time is my time, though you're welcome to join me. Maybe together we can slow things down and get back to a somewhat simpler time, you know, circa 2002 or so.
There was once a time in the not-so-distant past (though eons ago, by today's standards) where the microwave oven and the McDonald's drive-thru were the hallmarks of our "instant" society: the very inventions that helped us get what we needed faster and more efficiently than before. But with yesterday's announcement that Ford will be including Twitter capabilities in its new Sync setup in upcoming vehicles, that simplistic paradigm of the past has all but collapsed on itself.
People often (read: all the time) complain that there just "aren't enough hours in the day" to achieve everything that must be done. There's commuting, working, cooking, cleaning, self-preparation and preservation, shuttling, shuffling, shoveling, commentating, officiating, working out, typing, reading, eating, sleeping, and occasionally building long-lasting relationships with other human beings. Resultantly, we (or someone/some entity who claims to have our best interests in mind) have continually found ways to "make life easier" by simplifying our most mundane daily tasks - which allows us more time to fit in even more duties or activities. The more we fit into our 24 hour days, the more we develop ways to condense the time spent on each activity...so as to fit even more in. The more megatropolis-minded among us would believe that Big Brother is somehow behind this, finding ways to streamline our lives in order to perform more, more efficiently. The All-Seeing Eye at work.
The cycle becomes apparent - and vicious - almost immediately. The more "things" we come up with to make our lives "easier;" the more "wonder products" that used to be relegated to late-night infomercials become mainstream devices; the more we continue to sync ALL of our technologies and social media into one "convenient" format or another, the more we will continue to lose hours of our day and aspects of ourselves. It's the last point that really has been stuck in my craw recently. As technology continues to develop (and envelop) around us, we are constantly losing those moments that used to keep us sane. Two-way pagers and Nextel's two-way 'chirp' changed the way we communicate instantly. Blackberries revolutionized how we stayed connected to email when away from our computers. Facebook effectively made "keep in touch" mean something - at least to college-aged individuals (at first). SMS messaging used to be a hassle (my high school cell phone had to connected to the mobile web to receive texts), yet is all but a necessary, "how did we live without it" function now. Apple showed us how to synchronize our music, information, media, and lives ... and then put all of that in one device that fits in our pockets in various sizes. Twitter has almost single-handedly killed (and simultaneously redefined) "investigative journalism." Don't have time to date? eHarmony and Match.com are here to save the day! Whereas interpersonal communication was once important, and was once linked to how we received information, it's slowly becoming obsolete - while the result of this compression has freed us up to do more things...more work, more commuting, more to complain about.
Think about it. Many commuters have once said that the time they spend going to and from work or school is the most peace they get in a day. Years ago, there were no cell phones (or even car phones, like the one I remember in my Dad's 1988 Audi) to distract drivers or shatter that peace. There was no need for a "Jupiter Jack," let alone for a built-in way for drivers to listen to office voice mails, have their email read to them, or check up on their friends' Tweets. Crackberries and iPhones (and their smartphone kin in this technological arms race) have become tethers - not only to the office, but to every individual with your phone number, email address, GMail address, Blackberry PIN, screen name, Twitter account, and who knows what else. They've become crutches, and the more we rely on them, the more we enable other people to monopolize our precious time. The more time we allow them to monopolize, the more "Big Brother"/big money is going to try to compress even further in order to enhance our productivity.
Anybody see the problem here?
The reason that there just don't seem to be "enough hours in the day" is because we have allowed that to happen. Our consumer culture and our need to keep up with the Joneses has pushed us to believe that every new breakthrough is something we just HAVE to have; something we NEED in our lives for sustenance. We all know in our heart of hearts that all of that is not the case. No one NEEDS to be connected to everything and everyone at all hours of the day. No one needs Ubertwitter or Echofon. No one needs Facebook mobile. No one needs porn on their Blackberry! We don't need audible email, voice recognition dialing, or games on our iPod any more than we need TVs in the headrests (or ceilings, or visors). But more time to stay entertained and connected at times when we should be engaging with self (or others!) means more time to work and less reliance on being entertained in those evening hours, which are better suited for lamenting our lives, preparing for the next day, or generally vegging out.
My fear is that we've already gone too far down this path, and the effects are now irreversible. We no longer do for self; we do for others to know what we've done (I say as I ironically plan on tweeting this blog .. follow me @kwarfield .. and feverishly monitor the comments, if any). It's time to change that. By refusing to buy into what is constantly shoved in our faces, we can begin to shift the existing paradigm. Right now, we want everything when we want it in order to account for the lack of time that we feel. We don't have time to waste waiting on webpages to load, so we want them faster ... from dial-up to DSL to cable to FiOS. We don't want to go to the mall, so we shop online. We don't want to go to the movies, so we use Netflix .. and bit torrents (but only if they're fast enough!). It's not enough to have something right when it comes out; we want it BEFORE it comes out, so we bootleg (not a new practice, but in terms of bootlegging media it sure is a hell of a lot easier nowadays). We want the news NOW, so we analyze celebrities and athletes and moguls and even news reporters' Twitter statuses, citing "sources" and substituting real news with unsubstantiated rumors .. updated up-to-the-minute. Immediacy is our downfall: it's the shovel with which we've dug our grave.
Stop. Go back now, before it's too late. The more we've allowed ourselves to be available, the more work our bosses have heaped upon us and the greater their expectations have become. Now everyone is trying to keep up with some imaginary ideal, continually chasing the ever-shifting bottom line. It's led to more midlife crises and pre-midlife burnouts than we've ever seen before...and it makes absolutely no sense when you step outside of it and look for yourself. Slow down! Reacquaint yourself with interpersonal communication! Work smarter, not harder! While it will be almost impossible to change expectations on an individual level, collectively we can help slow our society down and increase our personal qualities of life. Find your personal sanctuary where you cannot be pinged, IMed, called, texted, tweeted, poked, or chatted with. Don't see this as a drop in your productivity. Instead, call it your personal revolution...your strike out against the establishment...your attempt to get your life back.
I don't like where we're headed, and I refuse (or will do my damnedest to try not) to allow techno-society to drag me down with the ship. My quality of life is more important to me than how connected I am in the social networking technosphere. My time is my time, though you're welcome to join me. Maybe together we can slow things down and get back to a somewhat simpler time, you know, circa 2002 or so.
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