Faith ...

It almost never fails: tell someone that you're going through something, or that you're in a rut, or that you're having a tough time seeing things change in your life, and their send-off advice will be some form of, "pray on it," or, "I'll be praying for you." Sometimes people say it because it sounds like the right thing to do, and other times people say it because they honestly believe that prayer is the catalyst for seeing an immediate change in your circumstance.

My girlfriend is amazing. She's a dear friend, and a true inspiration - especially when it comes to my spiritual life. She's growing/has grown in her faith-walk by admitted leaps and bounds in the last 18 months alone, and in the year that I've known her I've been party to some of these strides. Her walk has driven her to catalyze my own walk, especially given my unfortunate financial and work situations...and as such, she is the most recent person to strongly push faith and prayer as means to an end.

To clarify, though: she (and others) aren't of the belief that praying for money will result in a stack of 100's being mysteriously left at my front door. But the thought that prayer can put my whole spirit in a different place, thus opening me to different experiences and motivating me to pursue various channels and avenues, more aptly describes the sentiment. You know the how the saying goes ... "P.ray U.ntil S.omething H.appens".

Anyway, my own feelings toward my own spirituality coupled with people's constant and consistent urgings that I use faith as my guide during these rough times have really raised questions in me. I was raised Catholic, but throughout my upbringing religion was a Sunday profession. Rather than prosthelytize and act as a missionary, though, I was always taught the value of the hallmark expression of my/our faith was good works ("You see that a person is justified by what he does and not just faith alone." - James 2:24. Please do not think this is me trying to engage in a battle of the Word. I am not a Bible scholar. I just know/semi-remember certain passages that have shaped my identity.). I took that to heart. At my Jesuit high school, our motto was simple: "Men for Others for the Greater Glory of God." Service, action, and activity trump(ed) simply speaking the Word toward inaction. I say all of that to say in my past, everything has been based off of my actions. I never studied the Word on its own, but I did take the lessons I heard and understood and translated them into action.

I've never read the Word for personal gain.

Like so many other people, I have prayed and asked for things to happen. I've asked for results, asked for changes, and asked for signs of presence. Understanding that God doesn't work on our schedule has made it even easier for me to eschew the typical, "God, can you make this happen for me right quick?" prayer in exchange for "Help me to see/follow/act/understand." But things are different now. At the urging of everyone who knows I'm struggling, and those who are close to and love me, the call has been for me to begin to pray and utilize the Word for my own benefit (note: not gain, but benefit...wholly different concept. Tease that out for yourself if you have to.). It's tough. It's so hard.

Talk about a test of faith.

Ever seen someone with all of the potential in the world, but who just refuses to put it to good use? I feel for my girlfriend, because I think that's how she sees me and my faith from time to time (and I can extend that to God's feelings about me, since I sincerely do look at her as an angel who's meant to help me make these important self-discoveries). She's been my biggest spiritual cheerleader, sending me daily devotionals and continually probing me to actively seek the Word. While my parents both sneak "stay prayerful" into our conversations, my girlfriend - even though she openly fears sounding like a broken record - keeps pushing the issue with me. She sees things in me that paralleled her own situations, and she honestly believes that. The test for me is to do something differently than before: to simply do for my own growth rather than others.

But there are signs of my spiritual growth. I used to be quick to dismiss the Word, mostly because I was deep in the belief that prayer for self - especially for material gain - was wrong. I felt that if that's the only reason people were reading the Bible or going to church was to get something out of it, then their own path to salvation was tenuous to say the least. While people were so busy faking it in the sanctuary, I was out there doing the work and internalizing my faith. I know my reward will be great because I give so much of myself to other people and their endeavors. The time I spent in church was for me to internalize the message and recharge myself to do work for others' benefit.

I can see my growth, though. I'm much more inclined to consider using the Word to help balance my life and give myself some sort of greater girding. The more consideration I give it, the more I begin to turn inward when necessary and work on myself - and my mental stability - in order to think my way toward something greater. The first step is always an internal belief; a change you make within yourself to adjust your orientation. At the behest of others, and at the urging of those who love me the most, I am trying.

I'm trying to have faith, the definition of which is always changing. It's a beautiful thing, and a difficult thing to accomplish. Everyone knows, and I'm still learning this. Faith is what defines the line between happenstance and prophecy. While I believe there is a reason and order to everything, and that nothing happens on its own for no reason, I am struggling to understand my role in advancing the blessings...

Blind faith is what our whole religious philosophy is based on, and yet it never fails to give people just enough hope. The question is what will it take for me to become one of those individuals.