Reconnect

There's a certain simplicity that comes with feeling like yourself. It's that brief flirtation with familiarity.. the feeling of normalcy.. a certain deja vu that occurs when you finally stop feeling further from yourself with each passing moment. Sure, you tend to look like yourself on the outside regularly .. and sure, there are some people who can tell when you're just shy of your normal greatness. But it's about that that internal feeling - the one you get when you're at home, alone, lying on your bed and looking at the ceiling after a long day and find yourself smiling, slightly, for no apparent reason - when you know you're truly content. Who knows why you snapped out of your funk.. who knows when your spirit re-descended into your skin and you were no longer living an out-of-body dream (or nightmare, as the case may be).. who knows how long the feeling will last. But it's there.

I'm there.

It can begin innocuously.. something simple, like rising before your alarm and beginning your day just a bit earlier.. and can snowball into a host of good feelings. Suddenly, instead of being a half-step behind life, you've got the jump. Everything begins to fall into place. Productivity becomes natural, and efficiency becomes the day's calling card. Soon you're feeling better not just about the immediate tasks and obstacles - which are quickly being left in a wake of positive kinetic energy - but about long-term worries and other things that felt out of order. Instead of waiting to find that missing jigsaw piece, you become the piece.. the catalyst without which absolutely nothing would work.

I am the straw that stirs my own drink.

Things begin to flow. For me, I fell back into old habits that made me feel and act like the me I used to be. Don't think of habits in their pejorative sense.. habits are nothing more than "settled tendencies or usual manners of behavior." Sure, bad habits exist; but if you look at the definition of the word, imagine just how out of whack you could be if you simply stopped or significantly altered your "usual manners of behavior".. how changing your "settled tendencies" could completely alter your character and disposition.

Who was I? Who have I been?

Falling back into those old habits has already changed how my brain functions and what things I allow to occupy my mind. I think that was 90% of the battle right there. My mind is active, slightly more active than before, thus keeping it off of idle, negative, or dangerously regressive thoughts. There's far too much ahead for me to dwell on what lurks in the rear-view. A return to my old self means a return to focus, drive, determination, positivity, and progress. Sure, there are still bothersome thoughts.. but I refuse to let them be a burden. The positives far outweigh the negatives, and I have too much to accomplish to be held back. My urge and desire to see (and be) something new is stronger than ever, but not in such a way that makes me want to forsake the here and now. No. Rather, it motivates me.. forces me to explore options and opportunities. No more paralysis. No more stagnation. One life to live, right?

It's all coming back to me. Nice to see you, again.