Set Adrift on Memory Bliss ...

Clearly I'm still not quite there. Just a few steps short. Book's not finished. Writing's not consistent. Happiness not solidified. Mind not right.

But if at first you don't succeed...

So I'm still here, still trying. Still pushing and poking and prodding so that I can further understand where I am and, more importantly, where I want to be. I've been thrown off course a bit. Effectively derailed. But I'm bouncing back. I need to get that pep back in my step; figure out what I had right a few weeks ago and get back to it. It's hard when you're dog tired, and when you're facing the monotony of a meaningless grind. Yes, meaningless. The present is past. My eyes are on the future.

And how do you face a present-past with any interest when the future is now?

But I will find my zone. I'm bound to. Even though the days tend to blend together .. particularly during the week .. I'm going to find my pace, spot, and space. A key to that is putting each 24 hour period behind me. Starting fresh, anew. Solving the problems ahead of me instead of carrying the baggage from those prior. I'm starting to do that. People have been forgotten. Memories erased. Fears tossed aside. Issues dropped. And in some ways, I feel more confident and comfortable because of it.

But something always takes me back.

The new lesson, though, is to control what I remember. Oscar Wilde once said, "A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them." It is my goal to take this to heart, and to apply them to my memories. I've spent a lot of time reminiscing in the last few days, but not all for nothing. In fact, parts of it have been extremely enjoyable. Someone provided me with this link, and I almost hit the floor. No one will ever, ever debate the fact that music is one of our most crucial links to our collective past, as well as to our individual histories. Music makes us remember. We know exactly who, what, where, and even why we were doing what we were doing when we first - or last - heard that song. We remember "our song" when we think about past relationships, good or bad. It's why we can have "period pieces," and films where the soundtrack plays just as important a role as the action on screen (see, e.g., Dead Presidents; American Gangster). Music has always paced my life. So when followed the link and I started listening to the tracks from the time when I first, officially fell in love with hip-hop, the memories began to flow.

And I loved it.

Sure, I've gone through some shit. Sure, I haven't had the best relationships and interactions, and surely the memories aren't always the best. But none of that mattered. It was all about the music. It took me places I haven't been, seen, or even thought of in 10, 12, 15 years. Every step of the journey was paved with oohs, ahhs, and "Oh my God"s. It took me back to dates, events, individuals .. not the ones that I shut out forever, but the ones that simply faded to the background. Not the ones that were forcible forgotten, but the ones that merely fell victim to my poor physical memory. That's the feeling I want to have with all of my thoughts: slay the demons, and live a life full of things to be remembered.

Use. Enjoy. Dominate.

"At the mercy of": wholly in the power of : with no way to protect oneself against. That's no way to live. No way for me to live. No way I want to live. I'm tired of losing the fight against my own mind. I'm tired of being at the whim and will of my own mental state. Losing my creativity, failing to understand my happiness. To hell with all of that. Every day is a step toward reinvention and getting to be who I want. The future is now, and I've got the keys. I'm finally driving.

Now... which way do I go?