First Day of Nowhere ...

"...all along you thought you were alive."

i don't like it when i don't like the direction things are headed. and right now, i'm not feeling where i'm going. it's not even so much where i'm going - because, in theory, that's actually pretty awesome & exciting. it's more like the "where i am right now" part that's eating me up inside. i'm uncomfortable in my own skin, unhappy with my path & direction. it's kind of killing me softly in a way.

i'm not used to seeing me self-destruct.

what i thought was a general problem of motivation and will just seems more and more like a deep rut. and in that sense, i feel trapped...the complete opposite of the feeling of freedom and flight that i should be enjoying at this stage of my career. it's just dragging me further and further down. when your response to questions about things that should be important to you is "i don't care," something isn't right.

so i find myeslf simultaneously retreating and beating myself up. increasingly frustrated, outright irate at my inability to climb out of this hole ... or, more accurately, my utter lack of desperation to pull myself out.

ever watch a man who wants to drown?

i like to like being me. scratching and clawing to get this skin off of me isn't helping that cause at all. in fact, i don't know what will. i don't know who i need to talk to, who i need to spend time with, what questiosn need to be asked of me, what answers i need to give, or what i just need to get off of my chest to make me feel more like ... like i fit in this crazy, twisted, somewhat mangled but nonetheless readable and enticing picture of a future that i've painted for myself. it's like instead of waiting for the sun to rise, i need to just find a way to walk to the wall and flip the lightswitch.

and i don't know why that's so hard for me.

so while i teter on the edge of pressing forward and retreating into my shell, i need to grab my own self by the scruff of the neck and shake the fuck out of me. this just isn't making any sense, and i don't know who can help draw me out. who used to get me out of these jams?

wait, why should that matter?
[gotta stop picturing myself in other people's shoes and put my own on.]

i've got some serious mental and emotional liberation that needs to happen. don't ask how, when, or of what. but i've got a whole lot of cobwebs to clear out before it all starts to make sense again.