Separate/Together ...

i had a revelation today
that the only way i'm ever going to be
someone i'm proud of
is if i take pride in myself.

[what?]

that's right.
pride begets pride,
and in order to do that
i need to have a sit-down with myself
all of my selves
and let them hash out their differences.

the writer
the activist
the scholar
the lawyer
the healer
the patient
the son
the brother
the friend
the man

they all need to meet,
maybe over coffee,
and determine what is it about them all
that makes them able to share one body.
they might even
let me know
that they're not alone.
there could be more.

the results might astound you...

---

15 (now 16) posts in the month of March. i'm impressed with myself. it's a step in the right direction when it comes to taking this writing thing seriously. though, after looking back, this is nothing..nothing like the pace, length and depth of posts i used to make years ago. my goodness. i was a totally different person. i can't even fathom how i was able to wrap my mind around some of the things i was talking about, and i can't imagine my mind being as busy as it was - able to focus on all of the things that were going on inside of it. i mean i could drone on and on and on about ... any and everything. i'm not sure if that's the goal now, or if i'm just in awe of what i was once able to do.

in any event, it feels good to write again.

---

my blog is black. it looks so dark in comparison to others. i was going to change it but there's something about it that i really like. love the way almost all colors jump against a black background.

black makes things better.

i was going to go into my whole 'punisher' motif, but i'm not sure if i want to anymore. i watched punisher: war zone the other day, which got me to thinking about why i adopted this symbol in the first place (as you can see by the display image and my t-shirt to the left).

[to be fair, i didn't just take it from the movies. i began thinking of it as a representation of myself back in the comic book days. then when i watched the tortured anti-hero in the thomas jane theatrical version, i liked it even more.]

just know this: i'm not violent; i'm not out for retribution; and my entire family didn't die some sort of horrible death. to me, the punisher is representative of internal struggle - constantly trying to do good, though sometimes through addition-by-subtraction - and redemption. i've struggled for some time. maybe the struggles are self-imposed, and maybe they're not, but i've definitely gone/put myself through it. and while i need help, and sometimes get it, i prefer to go it alone. i'm not always good, i'm not always right, and i don't always get caught, but i'm out to make a way.

i will make a way. and i will be redeemed. it's not so much that i'm punishing other people, but i've punished myself ... and i need to fix it.

rudimentary, i know, but the choice is far more complex than liking the logo...

---

gotta be on it this week. lots to do. need to start imposing my own deadlines. don't know if i'm disciplined enough. but i'm tired of watching the weeks go by. it's april. i have 2 months until my next major change and i am in no way, shape, or form in position for it to happen. can't just wait until things happen to me. can't catch a baseball if your mitt's at your side. really can't catch it if your mitt's not even on your hand.

i always fall back on one of my favorite album intros in times like this:

Spinning complacently in the darkness,
covered and blinded by a blanket of little lives,
false security has lulled the madness of this world into a slumber.
Wake up!
An eye is upon you,
staring straight down and keenly through,
seeing all that you are and everything that you can never be.
Yes, an eye is upon you, an eye ready to blink.
So face forward,
with arms wide open and mind reeling.
Your future has arrived...

Are you ready to go?

well...
am i?